- I'm not really sure what.
- January 30th, 2006
I'm staring at our newly framed picture lopsidedly perched against the side of my desk. Three times, already, I picked up my still-warm mug and realized that I finished my chai tea. I'm too lazy to go make more. Ella is singing in the background. It's become increasingly harder for me to think. Recently I've been doing a lot of feeling--sadly, I can't do both at the same time.
Due to unmentionable circumstances, Bryan and I can't really spend any time together, whatsoever. Naturally, that would make me sad-- however, had I known how much being away from him would affect me I can't even say I would have gotten myself into this in the first place. I wholeheartedly embrace the diva-overlydramatic-soprano role that I often play, but I've never felt emotions so real before. It's half invigorating and half terrifying. Being without him is a numbing emptiness that turns my stomach. My hands literally tingle with anxiety and I have to remind myself to breathe every few seconds. I hate it.
Dilemma #2: Now, I understood that when I came to Bucknell I would be one of very few brownies in a sea of milk, however, when I get asked to be "loud colored person #4" on the opera company, and when the choir directer automatically gives me the gospel solo in my all white choir I can't help but be really offended. I felt like somehow I transcended all sorts of racial boundaries.. maybe I'm naive-- maybe i'm unrealistic but I suppose that's beside the point. I'm a classical singer, damnit. believe it. it's real. I like indie music AND i can shake my ass. No, i can't rap, yes i've been to europe. and now that i've officially riled myself up unnecessarily.. i shall retire.